Your family, my family: staying a team
Parents, in-laws and siblings bring a lot of love, and a lot of opinions. How to stay on the same side when family gets involved.
The short version
Family & friends
- When family pressure builds, the most important thing is that you two face it as a team.
- Each of you usually handles your own family, with your partner's back.
- Old family patterns can make reactions bigger. Talking about them helps you both understand.
You love them. Mostly. But your partner's mum has opinions about how you load the dishwasher, your brother keeps making that joke, and every Sunday lunch seems to end with one of you quiet in the car home.
Families are a big part of life together. Here's how to handle them without them coming between you.
You two come first
When you become a couple, you make a new little family of two. That doesn't mean loving your families any less. It means that when there's tension, you face it side by side, rather than one of you being stuck in the middle.
The question isn't whose family is right. It's whether the two of you are on the same side.
Each of you handles your own
A rule of thumb that helps many couples: you deal with your family, I'll deal with mine. If your dad keeps criticising your partner's job, it usually lands better coming from you. It also stops your partner being cast as the villain.
Instead of
Your mum is impossible. Why do I always have to put up with her?
Try
When your mum comments on the house, I feel judged and a bit alone. Could you have a word, or change the subject when it happens?
And if it's your family: take your partner's feelings seriously, even if you're used to the comments. You may not hear them any more. Your partner does.
Why family can feel so loaded
Your partner's family shaped them too. Talking about what family life was like for each of you growing up often explains a lot about why visits go the way they do.
Ask each other
- What was the best thing about how your family did things?
- What did your family do that you'd like us to do differently?
- When we visit, what's the moment you find hardest?
- What could I do during a visit that would help you most?
Plan visits together
- Agree the basics beforehand. How long you'll stay, where you'll sleep, which topics are off the table.
- Have a signal. A word or a look that means “I need a break” or “rescue me”.
- Build in breathers. A walk, an errand, an hour to yourselves.
- Debrief kindly. On the way home, start with something nice that happened. Then talk about the hard bit, gently.
When your partner feels you didn't have their back
Sources and further reading
- Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning and Kim Paleg, Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work (2nd edition) (New Harbinger, 2006).
- Dr Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love (Little, Brown, 2008).
- Julie Schwartz Gottman and John Gottman, Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection (Harmony Books, 2024).
We describe these books in our own words, and we're not affiliated with their authors. This article is general information, not therapy or professional advice.
