Couple Skills

Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning and Kim Paleg · 2006

Skills you can practise.

The big ideas

1
Skills, not luck
Listening, asking clearly and finding a fair deal can all be learned.
2
Check the story
Between what happened and how you feel sits a thought. Check it before you react.
3
Ask for one thing
Ask for a specific behaviour, try it for a while, then look at how it went.

In our own words. We're not affiliated with the authors or publisher.

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How to bring something up gently

The first minute of a hard conversation shapes the rest. Here's how to start so your partner can actually hear you.

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How to make your partner feel heard

Listening isn't waiting for your turn. A short, simple habit that helps your partner feel understood, even when you disagree.

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“You should just know”: how to ask for what you need

Hinting, hoping and waiting to be noticed rarely works. How to ask for what you need, clearly and kindly.

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Why you keep having the same argument

Same row, different week? You're not failing. Most repeat arguments come from lasting differences, and they need understanding more than a winner.

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Press pause: how to take a break mid-argument

When your heart's racing, nobody can listen. How to take a break that calms things down, instead of one that feels like walking out.

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How to make up properly after an argument

Saying sorry and moving on doesn't always heal it. A calm way to talk about a bad argument afterwards, so it actually stops hurting.

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Family & friends

Your family, my family: staying a team

Parents, in-laws and siblings bring a lot of love, and a lot of opinions. How to stay on the same side when family gets involved.

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The other four

Put it into practice, together.

Mon Ami turns ideas like these into small steps: a question a day, games and dates, and Ami to help you talk things through.

Start on your own. Invite your partner when you're ready.