Fight Right

Julie Schwartz Gottman and John Gottman · 2024

Disagree without the damage.

The big ideas

1
How, not how often
Arguing is normal. What hurts is criticism, contempt, getting defensive and shutting down.
2
Most differences stay
About two-thirds of disagreements never fully go away. Aim to understand each other, not to win.
3
Repair keeps you close
Small moves that take the heat down, and noticing your partner's, matter more than perfect words.

In our own words. We're not affiliated with the authors or publisher.

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How to make your partner feel heard

Listening isn't waiting for your turn. A short, simple habit that helps your partner feel understood, even when you disagree.

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Why you keep having the same argument

Same row, different week? You're not failing. Most repeat arguments come from lasting differences, and they need understanding more than a winner.

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Press pause: how to take a break mid-argument

When your heart's racing, nobody can listen. How to take a break that calms things down, instead of one that feels like walking out.

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How to make up properly after an argument

Saying sorry and moving on doesn't always heal it. A calm way to talk about a bad argument afterwards, so it actually stops hurting.

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Family & friends

Your family, my family: staying a team

Parents, in-laws and siblings bring a lot of love, and a lot of opinions. How to stay on the same side when family gets involved.

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The other four

Put it into practice, together.

Mon Ami turns ideas like these into small steps: a question a day, games and dates, and Ami to help you talk things through.

Start on your own. Invite your partner when you're ready.