How to make up properly after an argument
Saying sorry and moving on doesn't always heal it. A calm way to talk about a bad argument afterwards, so it actually stops hurting.
The short version
Conflict
- Arguments that get swept aside tend to come back. A short, calm look back, once you're both settled, can heal them.
- Talk about how the argument went, not who was right about the original topic.
- A real apology names exactly what you regret. A quick “sorry, OK?” usually doesn't land.
The argument's over. You've both calmed down, someone has made a cup of tea, and now there's a decision: do you talk about it, or just carry on?
Carrying on is tempting. But arguments that never get talked about have a habit of coming back, often right in the middle of the next one.
Repair is normal, and it works
Every couple says things they regret. What the Gottmans found matters is whether you repair: the small moves that take the heat down, like a joke, a touch, or “sorry, that came out wrong”. And just as important: whether the other person accepts it.
A repair doesn't need to be perfect. It needs to be noticed. If your partner reaches out clumsily, try to take the hand.
Wait until you're both calm
Don't try this in the heat of it, or straight after. The next evening is often perfect. The Gottmans have a reassuring line about this: there's no time limit on repair. You can go back to an argument from last week, or from last year.
Look back together, step by step
Fight Right sets out a calm way to talk through an argument once it's over. Here's our plain-English version. The rules: go in order, one argument at a time, and stop if either of you gets pulled back into it.
- 1
How did you each feel?
Just the feelings, no reasons. “I felt dismissed. And a bit scared.” No commenting on each other's.
- 2
What was it like for each of you?
Take turns describing your own experience, like a reporter: “I heard…”, “I thought you meant…”. The other says it back. You're not deciding whose version is true. Both can be real.
- 3
What set it off?
What made it suddenly bigger for you? Sometimes it's an old sore spot: “When you walked off, it reminded me of how my dad used to leave.”
- 4
What was your part?
What set you up for it (tired, stressed, not asking for what you needed), and exactly what you regret. Then apologise for that.
- 5
What would help next time?
Each of you names one thing you'll do, and one thing you'd love from the other.
You're not re-running the argument. You're mending the way you talked to each other.
A sorry that actually lands
Instead of
Sorry, OK? Can we just drop it?
Try
I'm sorry I raised my voice and brought up your mum. That wasn't fair, and I can see it really hurt.
If your apology doesn't land, don't argue about whether it should have. Ask, gently: “What would help?”
When one moment keeps hurting
Some hurts are bigger than one argument: a moment when you really needed your partner and they weren't there. Johnson calls these injuries to the bond. They tend to resurface again and again until they get a proper repair conversation, sometimes more than one. If one moment keeps coming back, treat it as a conversation of its own, not something to get over.
Sources and further reading
- Julie Schwartz Gottman and John Gottman, Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection (Harmony Books, 2024).
- Dr Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love (Little, Brown, 2008).
- Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning and Kim Paleg, Couple Skills: Making Your Relationship Work (2nd edition) (New Harbinger, 2006).
We describe these books in our own words, and we're not affiliated with their authors. This article is general information, not therapy or professional advice.
